Politicians To Return Stolen Money [Breaking]

– Washington D.C. –

After over a year of deliberation, U.S. Officials will return money taken from taxpayers.

Following months of searching for other ways to spend taxpayer money, officials in the U.S. capital have announced today that they will return the remaining money. Initially,the politicians had planned to use the stolen resources towards resuscitating dead companies, perpetuating dying business models, and punishing the nation’s most productive citizens.

Officials quickly found success instituting this program. Earlier this year, government officials successfully satisfied every special interest group in Washington by spending $3.5 Trillion dollars in a matter of mere months. However, with virtually every lobbyist satisfied and a small surplus of cash on hand, politicians have now turned their attention to hopes of re-election.

Earlier rumors suggested that officials would spend 50% of the remaining funds on a marketing campaign, informing citizens of the decision to return the money. However, due to scheduling conflicts with Ed McMahon,  plans for a nationally televised, door-to-door delivery of the money were canceled. Instead, officials have turned to the Internal Revenue Service [IRS] to monitor the restoration of the funds.

“Taxpayers should not expect to to see these funds magically appear in their mailbox.”, said one IRS spokesperson, “They will need to prove to us that we owe them their money back.” US Citizens will be asked to file forms with the IRS, reporting the amount of money that was taken from them.

Industry experts estimate that Americans will incur a collective $65 Billion dollars in expense to report these numbers back to their offender. Although many of the victimized citizens argue this expense is outrageous & wasteful, others argue that the cost would be justified if it would result in the restoration of all the shanghaied funds. However, IRS officials say ‘Not So Fast’. The IRS explained that funds will only be returned to individuals who ‘need’ their money returned. Those not in ‘need’ of their returned funds will get nothing.

This segregation has been the brunt of much protest, since the state of ‘need’ will be defined by the very politicians who initially commandeered the funds in question. Experts argue that this arrangement clearly results in a conflict of interest.

Although much of the attention has been focused on the immediate wrongdoing, others have expressed concern over how taxpayers can prevent the same injustice from reoccurring in following years.

More details to come, as they become available.

We hope you’ve enjoyed this fff satire. Thanks to Rob Kuban for his participation & input.